Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.