If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs