My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
hi why am I like this
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.