oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
scares
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
fair
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this