t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*