Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
hmmm
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Happy thanksgiving
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age