need him
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I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.