Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.