Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
😅🤣😂
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd