My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand