You Might Also Like
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
(by @ZachWeiner )
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud