Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
You Might Also Like
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
$4 #usedbooks
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
#parenting
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit