[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving