Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
the red hot silly peppers