Real House Wines.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
fourth time’s the charm
✌️
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*