On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
You Might Also Like
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener