Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.