Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.