[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
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[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.