Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.