[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You Might Also Like
I put the hot in psychotic.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.