I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”