My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
When libraries troll their patrons.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …