“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Sorry. Not sorry
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”