Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
💁🏻♂️
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Y’all know who you are.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.