satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Natural selection at its finest
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb