“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
*eats only grass-fed donuts
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.