Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
another case of gang violins
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation