My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.