Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “