Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Noah
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”