Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What’s so funny?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.