How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.