ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
there’s probably a fee though
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
it’s a van. how do they not know this