Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭