my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game