My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
everyone’s a critic
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
From my Mom
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not