This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The future is now.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.