Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
🏙👨🏼
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”