A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Otters see a butterfly.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪