[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.