has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
*lint rolls you awake*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
whatcha thinkin bout
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.