I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.