My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?