Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient