I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
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So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
This was the best day of my life
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”