THE AUDACITY. 😤
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english majors be like furthermore
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.