I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
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Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
A little too much information.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Start the year as you intend to continue.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”