Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more