Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
This is why I hate group projects
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.